Perfectionism: How to Break the Cycle

Perfectionism is a multi-dimensional personality characteristic that is fueled by a need to excel. At first glance, perfectionism looks innocent and even virtuous. Why shouldn’t we aim for the best? After all, those who succeed the most are the happiest right?

Success and happiness have different meanings for everyone on the planet. For those of us who are perfectionists however, success and happiness often come at a cost. As writer and research professor Brené Brown from the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work suggests, there is a difference between striving to do your best and aiming for perfection. The more perfectionists achieve, the higher they aim. With no room for flaws, perfectionists find it difficult to adapt to the winding roads of life.

Shades of perfectionism

Perfectionism can show up in different ways in our lives. Currently, there are three types of perfectionism that researchers study: self-oriented perfectionism, other-oriented perfectionism, and socially prescribed perfectionism. In one study, researchers investigated how these subtypes are related to wellbeing. 

In this study, Dr. Deborah McGann and colleagues measured perfectionism in a total of 92 people including Northumbria University students. They also assessed the participants’ wellbeing using the PERMA model, developed by positive psychologist Martin Seligman. The researchers were interested in how the subtypes of perfectionism related to each facet of the PERMA model, namely, positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment. 

McGann and colleagues found that those with one form of perfectionism tend to have the other forms as well. Moreover, socially prescribed perfectionism was found to be inversely related to all PERMA elements. Socially prescribed perfectionism refers to the idea that the outside world expects perfection from us. Unfortunately, the higher an individual scores on socially prescribed perfectionism, the worse they score on general wellbeing. 

On the other hand, self-oriented perfectionism was found to be an adaptive form of perfectionism that is positively correlated with positive emotion, engagement, meaning and accomplishment. Other-oriented perfectionism was also positively related to meaning and accomplishment, although to a lesser degree. 

Although the results suggest a “healthy” side to perfectionism, it is important to leave the door open for different interpretations. Perfectionism is characterized by a rigid mindset and harsh self-criticism. World renowned psychologist Carol Dweck’s work on mindset further shines a light on the rigidity associated with perfectionism. Dweck suggests that those with a fixed mindset tend to focus on the end goal whereas those with a growth mindset are focused on the process of learning. Focusing on the process allows individuals to better engage with their task and do better in the long run.

Break the cycle

What can we do to break the cycle of perfectionism? We can ask ourselves this simple question: How realistic is my goal? Chances are that you are holding yourself up to pretty high standards if you are a perfectionist. The more rigid your goals are, the less wiggle room you have for obstacles and life events that are simply out of your control. So, consider creating a little bit more flexibility around your goals. A flexible mindset will help you to not only set more realistic goals but it will also help you tolerate uncertainty. 

Instead of burning the candle at both ends to accomplish our goals, we can take small action steps that lead to our ultimate goal. Perfectionism tends to come with an all or nothing mindset. This “black and white” thinking style does not serve us because it leads us to disengage from whatever we are working on or avoid it altogether. This is one of the reasons why perfectionists tend to procrastinate either by involving themselves in other unrelated tasks or simply not doing the actual task that they had set out to do. In essence, perfectionists either want to do it all perfectly at once or not do it at all. Taking small actionable steps will help to break the perfectionism cycle by making your goals more manageable and achievable. 

As Dr. Keith Gaynor points out, people are achieving all the time just not to the degree of perfection and impossible standards. This means that we need to learn to be okay with ourselves regardless of what comes up our way. In other words, we need to develop core self-esteem and learn to separate our worth from our successes and failures. 

When our perfectionistic tendencies show up, it is crucial to remind ourselves that anything good takes continuous effort. We owe ourselves to stop, take a break and come back to our task to brave the storms of perfectionism.